The Archbishop of Canterbury is the chap who, after consulting the stars, tells the Government when Easter falls. This year, he must be wringing his hands:
Why oh why did the stars guide us to such a late date - nearly in May. We bank on it being cold wet and miserable at Easter - but now look: a heatwave.
There will be no one in church. They will all be on Brighton beach, sunning themselves. They will start demanding a fixed Easter!
Is there no cloud to provide consolation?
Well, there will be traffic jams and accidents. The A and E departments will be crammed with drunks who have leapt off the Pier, sunburnt children and clubbers who have OD'd. At least one child will be mauled to death by the family Rottweiler.
Yes, it will be a thoroughly Heathen Easter. Except at the BBC news website now desperately running a little bit of "What do you know about Easter?" propaganda.