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Monday, 5 December 2016

Government Wants To Move Europe Farther Away From The UK

A leaked document prepared for Mrs May's Junta shows that the government is looking for ways to move Europe farther away from the United Kingdom. "It's just too damn close", said one government insider, "You can virtually drive there - and that means they can drive here".

The front-runner option being considered is the closure of the Channel Tunnel. Since that would leave open the possibility of it being re-opened at some future date, those pressing for a "Hard" distancing from Europe want to see the Tunnel flooded. But since that might simply put pressure on the Channel ports at Dover and Folkestone, the Hard faction is pressing for those to be closed too.

"We simply do not need all these cars and lorries going back and forth and giving people the idea that Europe is our next door neighbour. We forget who our friends are. We should be selling to Australia and buying from them too. Everything we buy from Europe - butter, apples, wine, tinned pears, corned beef .... - well, we could buy it from Australia. And it would give our ships some proper voyages to make, not all this to-ing and fro-ing across the Channel. More manly, don't you think?"

Critics think that these measures alone will not be enough. People will still think nothing of flying to Europe. But not if they are faced with sky-high taxes on their flights. Taxes can create psychological distance and so can visas. People will think twice about a weekend in Paris if it costs more than a weekend in Florida - and especially when they realise that people in Florida speak English (or Spanish, as Mr Trump has reminded us). Those in favour of a "Soft" distancing from Europe think that taxes and visas are a better strategy to move Europe out of sight and out of mind. "People will simply forget about Amsterdam when it costs £1000 to get there and takes three days".

A Junta source replied to a request for Comment saying, "All Options are on the table or, indeed, under the table which is why we are right now looking for an extra table which of course won't now be coming from IKEA"

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